:UNDER 18's CLUB VIDEOS:

Did you ever go to U18's club nights when you were younger? There were these nights called Capital VIP that my best friend went to when she was 14/15. I am of half Asian descent, so naturally I wasn't allowed out passed sundown, but I remember she used to come back with tales of dry-humping and a high count of boys that she had pulled that night with braces. Well, I've done some research and have found THE BEST U18 club night videos so I can understand what I missed out on. They are such a laugh.


The first thing I noticed at the Hype! U18's event is that both the females and males danced separately and they both looked delighted to be there. What looks like a a dried-ice effect is probably a thick cloud of Lynx and there were some seriously questionable girls there who looked more like 14 going on 42. Sure, this night looked lame but everyone looked safe and there don't seem to be any clear signs of M-Kat just yet. (This is the most light hearted of the 3 videos you're about to see.)

Drinking - Getting high off life with Robinson's barley double strength shots
Listening to - Jessie J & Bieber...AT THE SAME TIME! Crazzzaayyyy


If you think that was bad, it's about to get so much worse. I then clicked through to watch the U18's Young and Wavey video footage and oh sweet baby Jesus. Yung&Wavey looks more like something you'd find on PornHub, with dry humping, doggying and daggering literally everywhere. It looked like a pure sweat box in there and similar to something you'd see in perhaps in a sex ring. It was actually quite dark: it's fucked up that these kids think this is the standard at a club. They're going to be in for a shocker when they go Fabric and it's all dancing alone with gun fingers and absolutely no mating, just shattered dreams. There's no doubt that Yung&Wavey is held in a South London basement somewhere.

Drinking - Getting wavey on Redbull and rubicons, no straws.
Listening to - Vybez Cartel and Pretty Ricky


Last but never least is the best U18's night I've found, it's called Intencity, very clever. This is pure madness and similar to what I think purgatory would be like. These kids don't want One Direction, they want the hard raw baselines with dubby techno in and around their faces. Unlike the videos above, these guys don't exactly look like they're having the time of their lives, and what is supposed to be an U18's club night looks more like one of those weird dance groups you see in Korean prisons. These guys clearly go hard or they go home and play Street Fighter. Some intense shit.

Drinking - Getting fucked up on nothing boy soy milk bitch
Listening to - Scooter and underground German techno Gods